Last Tuesday I had the privilege of sitting down with Mickey Mouse and helping him with his New Year’s resolutions and ideas for 2008. We thought long and hard on things he and his boys needed to work on and improve on in 2008. After an hour and a half of brainstorming, here is what Mickey and I came up with.

Resolution #1 – No More Hard Ticket Events

While I’m sure a Mermaids and Space Rangers Party would pack thousands upon thousands into the Magic Kingdom, do we really need another party? Not that this was a proposed idea, but after the success of the brand new Pirates and Princess Party last year one has to wonder how much they will try to milk these hard ticket events. A Halloween party is great, a Christmas party is even better, but when you start to add in random “parties” just for the hell of it… it gets a little overkill. I think Disney could go the route of the rumored Halloween party at Disney’s Hollywood Studios geared towards an older crowd and get away with it, but any more themed “parties” at the Magic Kingdom would be a little too greedy. For your buck, the “parties” really don’t offer a lot of bang – especially for Christmas when you consider that the parade and fireworks are shown to everybody for free the few days around December 25th. For the events the park kicks everybody out super early and if you want to join in on the fun – which isn’t much more than a few rare characters, a parade, fireworks, and sometimes show(s) – you’ll have to pay a hefty price. The parties are a whole lot of fun, but hardly worth the $157 for a family of four to go ($42.95 plus tax [ages 10 and over], $35.95 plus tax [ages 3-9]).

Resolution #2 – No More Rides Using Video Screens

It seems a common trend recently is to use video screens instead of animatronics. The Seas with Nemo & Friends, Gran Fiesta Tour Starring the Three Caballeros, Monster’s Inc. Laugh Floor, and, coming soon, Toy Story Mania all rely heavily on screens. Sure, it seriously cuts the budget if you can use video instead of actual animatronic figures, but none of the attractions mentioned – that are open – have been anything worth writing home about. Laugh Floor gets a lot of great reviews, but gets even more negative criticism. Gran Fiesta Tour is a step ahead of El Rio del Tiempo – at least in my book – but if you’re going to take the time and money to update an attraction at least make it an attraction that is worth the update. The Seas with Nemo is without a doubt the best of the three attractions and in all fairness has a pretty impressive angler fish animatronic. However, an attraction based almost entirely on projections will never come close to comparing to Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Jungle Cruise. For what it is, Nemo is a nice addition, but I hate seeing Disney rely on projections so heavily. If Toy Story Mania is a huge success – which to be honest I haven’t seen anyone extremely excited about – I’m afraid we could be seeing even more of this. Can you imagine if Spaceship Earth reopened and all the animatronics were gone?

Resolution #3 – No More Vacant Buildings

The ABC Theatre that once was the home of the great Superstar Television hasn’t had an attraction in a little over five years. For a park that seems to have the least to offer of the four, you would think that they would want to find something nice to put in here. Why not take the same concept of Superstar Television and put guests into Lost, Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, Boston Legal and other ABC shows? Synergy, baby! It wouldn’t be hard to update when need be and give guests and extra 20-30 minutes of stuff to do in the park. I don’t care what Mickey decides to use the space for, just give us something we can enjoy instead of wasting the spot. The good news is that construction walls have been around the theatre for a few months now which could mean something is a brewing… or just building maintenance and nothing new at all.

Also, El Pirata Y el Perico Restaurante, either open it full time or tear everything out and put something in there. For those that aren’t family with the counter service restaurant, it is the one located directly across from Pirates of the Caribbean and is never open. There were rumors floating about of a new character dining Tortuga restaurant, but apparently there wasn’t room in the budget to go through with these plans. With such a great demand to meet Jack – and not really being able to unless you go to the Pirate and Princess Party – it seems a Pirates themed character lunch and dinner would be a huge success. It’s in the perfect location as well. Disney either needs to do this or come up with another great idea as long as “The Pirate and the Parrot” doesn’t sit there unoccupied for a majority of the year.

Other Resolutions

I had a few other ideas to consider for 2008, but apparently Mickey didn’t like them and we decided the three I mentioned above were the best choices. Some of the other ideas I had were:

- Electrifying queue line chains.

We all know just how annoying kids can be when they start twirling the chains around like a jump rope and swinging from them like they were monkeys on a vine. I thought in 2008 we could prevent this behavior by turn the chains into a 110 volt electric fence. Not only would it keep kids from playing on them, but parents wouldn’t have to worry about their kids running off. Needless to say Mickey hated this idea.

- Finally get a chiropractor

For some reason or another Mickey can’t do a live show without jerking his head around and flailing his arms about whenever he talks. This 50+ year old bad habit has really taken its toll on Mickey’s neck. He’ll never admit to it but holding up his 30 pound head isn’t as easy as it once was. I proposed that he finally break the habit and then get a good chiropractor.

- Harsh punishment on pre-show talkers

Ok, so you know the entire spiel to the Haunted Mansion. I don’t care and your friends and family don’t care if you can recite the Ghost Host’s dialogue word for word right along with him. You are annoying and need to stop. Even if you aren’t monologueing and are just deciding to continue carrying on with your friends, you are just as bad. “Thank you for being considerate to others. We WILL be watching this again?” is my absolute favorite quote from a Disney Cast Member, which came from the rotund bellhop in the library of the Tower of Terror. Sure, Test Track and Dinosaur have some painful to watch more than once pre-show videos, but most guests are seeing them for the first time, so hush. I think harsh punishment would be just the thing to make things more enjoyable to others.

That’s all for me. I’ll see you guys in two weeks.

Until then…

jason@orlandounited.com