Sign #500,000,000,0001 that the Apocalypse is nigh: Miley Cyrus made slightly more than 18 million dollars last year. By herself. And that's NET. Hey, how much money did YOU gross when you were 14? "Ha! That'll teach those hog-humpin' yuppie bastards to say my mullet made me look like a lesbian!" says proud papa Billy Ray. Meanwhile, Walt Disney's frozen head smiles down upon them all.

And then I woke up. Hi there, and welcome to my brand new little hunk o' the interwebs. The management has kindly allowed me to set up shop for awhile and venture my opinions about various and sundry topics of the theme-parky variety. Why they have done this, I could not even begin to guess. Perhaps they are insane, or otherwise mentally impaired. Probably raised near high-tension power lines, or something. Nevertheless, I am here, and I will continue to do what I have done previously...waste everyone's precious time. Well, that, and troll the webternet for vaguely theme-park related material and then lovingly re-package it into more or less my own words and sell it back to you suckers...er, I mean you fine folks...as original. *Ahem* You'll have to excuse me, I've been away awhile and I'm still a bit disoriented. I've also missed quite a lot of news, so much of this stuff is going to be old, old, old. But my commentary is ALL-NEW! And if there's anything more important than facts, it's MY OPINION! Sweet niblets, let's hit the road!

I'D DUBAI THAT FOR A DOLLAR

Okay, apparently while I was gone, the executives in the entertainment division of Anheuser Busch have very publicly taken leave of their senses. Now, correct me if I'm wrong here...the idea is to build not one but four individual parks...a Sea World type park, a "Gardens" style park with coasters and animals and such, a water park, and a Discovery Cove type of park all nestled together on a specially constructed island off the coast of Dubai. And oh yes...the island is shaped like a killer whale. Have I got all that right?

And am I the only one to whom this sounds utterly insane? A SPECIALLY CONSTRUCTED ISLAND? Really? And hey, let's shape it like Shamu because, wow that'll cost MILLIONS more, be utterly useless, and the birds will really enjoy it. Busch has the money for that? No, no of course they don't, the government of Dubai must be ponying up the lions share of the cost. The government of Dubai does that a lot...they're doing it with the singularly unappealingly christened "Universal Dubailand", as well as with several other attractions, including a massive record-breaking hotel shaped like a sail, also on it's own artificial island, and an absolutely huge indoor ski mountain...the largest in the world, actually. Called "Ski Dubai", it comes complete with 5 different difficulties of ski runs, it's own set of chair lifts and...oh yes...a mascot in a polar bear suit. As if this weren't enough, it's attached to something called "The Mall of the Emirates" which is, you guessed it, one of the biggest malls in the world.

Naturally.

So, what does this tell us? One, that the government of Dubai likes things BIG. Two, that the government of Dubai is slowly trying to turn their country into the Orlando of the Middle East. And three, that the ruling family of Dubai has WAAAAAAY too much money. Does anyone REALLY believe that Dubai is going to suddenly become a hotbed of tourist activity? I know I won't be toddling off to the middle east anytime soon, me being, you know, a card-carrying representative of the Great Satan, and all. But then again, there are a lot of things I don't understand with the Busch deal...like HOW in HELL does a BEER DISTRIBUTOR even GET a deal to build a theme park in a country where alcohol is STRICTLY not allowed?

There's a place in Dubai City called "The Ice Bar". It's a bar, duh, and it's made of ice. Hundreds of tons of ice. Everything is made of ice, the chairs, the tables, the bar itself, even the glasses in which the drinks are served. Pretty cool idea, huh? But the idea is completely neutered, because there is no alcohol allowed in Dubai.. Yeah, not so cool now, is it? Now that those humungo-sized vodka sliders are now no longer a possibility, I mean...in fact, they could maybe even get you executed, or something. I hear they're pretty strict about this stuff.

A bar with no booze. That about sums up Dubai's attempt to become a world player in the entertainment industry. Can you imagine trying to party it up in a strict Muslim country? Hell, MOST of the things I do when I go to to American tourist destinations would be illegal in Dubai. Or at the very least, frowned upon.

Still, it IS interesting that when...IF...these parks open, they may not even have to be financially successful to survive. The government of Dubai has...well really, a simply SICK amount of money, with more flowing in all the time. They could conceivably keep these parks open forever with nary a noticeable strain on their cash flow. Moreover, these parks could, technologically speaking, kick the collective asses of their American counterparts...much like the Oriental Land Company ponied up the cash for W.D.I. to build Tokyo Disney the RIGHT way, these Dubai parks, too, have the potential to be incredibly, ridiculously extravagant. But Dubai can go one step further than Japan and actually fund the operation of the parks pretty much indefinitely.

And you probably STILL couldn't talk me into going there.

A state-of-the-art hotel with no guests, a state-of-the-art ice bar with no liquor, and now a set of massive state-of-the-yakkity-blah theme parks with no guests. As I see it, there is no way you or I could ever afford to go there (assuming you aren't obscenely wealthy and if you ARE, then what are you doing HERE?)...nor would most of us go if we COULD, because we're afraid, rightly or wrongly, of anti-American sentiment. Hey, sorry, seeing a guy getting his head sawed off on TV (over and over again) will do that kind of thing to you. These parks are going to be mostly for an affluent Arab audience, then. Is that really enough turn style clicks to keep an American or Japanese park in operation? Not by half. These parks will end up standing mostly empty a LOT of the time. And the thing is...the government of Dubai knows this and builds their parks ANYWAY, because they know they can keep them running regardless of whether or not they turn a profit. Wow.

They say it isn't possible to be too rich or too thin. Well, one look at Nicole Ritchie before she had the kid proves the latter part of that axiom wrong...and I believe that Dubai pretty much gives lie to the FIRST half, as well. Kudos to Disney for flatly refusing to build a park in Dubai when asked. A very wise decision on their part, I think...of course time will tell.

Oh, and Dubai...I'm afraid now that you have Michael Jackson, we're not taking him back. No, use arguing, he's yours now. Enjoy him.

ROCKET TO RUINATION

Lots of debate, both pro and con, about the new coaster slated for Universal Studios Orlando next year. Me, well, I mostly think it's a good idea. The front part of the studios hasn't changed much for years, unless you count the renovation of the Nick Studios into the Blue Man theater...and that just served to make the park SMALLER...besides Blue Man is a separately ticketed show so it doesn't count. The Production Central area is just plain drab and boring, and IMHO could use a shot of life and color. Yes, I have read the discontented mooings of various hardcore Universal Studios fans (all six of them) to the effect that the coaster simply doesn't belong in Production Central, and it's presence will ruin the area's themeing and create a huge visual distraction. My response to this is simple: There is themeing in Production Central? Because I've walked through there like, a hundred times, and to be perfectly honest, I've not really noticed any. Oh, sure, there are a few interesting facades, and some signs and parking meters and...umm...do the stars on the pavement go up that far? That's about all I can come up with. The area is not heavily themed, nor is it really meant to be...the real themeing doesn't kick in till you get to the New York and Hollywood areas. The front of the park resembles nothing so much as what it is supposed to: A group of production buildings...really BORING production buildings. Wow, what gorgeous themeing. How could we ever survive without those "My Name Is Earl" billboards?

"Rip, Ride, Rockit" will at least give Production Central an attraction that people will WANT to ride, instead of just walk by thinking "That's STILL here?"

I do agree that a coaster is an easy out, and Universal could and probably should have spent their money on something a bit more innovative and challenging...but still it looks like a tricksy bit of coaster goodness. I like the new seats especially...no shoulder harnesses, and they look like those cheap seats with subwoofers in them that they sell to hook up to video game systems. That's a good thing. And although the TV camera thing smacks of corporate money grubbing...anybody want to venture what these D.I.Y. DVD's are going to COST? If it's less than 40 bones, I'll be amazed. All in all, it's a new ride. Perhaps not a great one...but potentially a very good one. Hey, it has a "record-breaking loop"....whatever the hell that means. Is there a record for smallest loop? And remember, it's just a stopgap until Universal can get that mind-blowing, expectations-shattering, state-of-the-art defining Harry Potter ride up and running. Right Universal? I said, RIGHT UNIVERSAL?

There IS one thing, though...

What's with the NAME of this thing? "Rip Ride Rockit?" Really? That's the BEST their marketing people could do? It's like they tried to work in as many vaguely extreme -sounding words starting with the letter "R" as they could. I'm surprised "rad", "righteous", and "rodent" didn't find their way in there. But I also wonder what exactly it's supposed to mean. The "Ride" part I got, I'm not THAT stupid. I'm not sure I have as solid a grasp on the "Rip" bit, but I suppose I can wing it if I try. But I ask you, what the hell is a "Rockit"? Besides a really stupid-sounding marketing word, I mean. What part of speech is it, even? Is it a noun? A verb? An adjective? No wait...it's all THREE! "Rockit?" Geez, it sounds like something you'd name a squirrel mascot in a cheap video game. Sorry Universal, maybe the ride will be great shakes, but the name you've given it achieves total fail.

GIANT SCARY FRENCH BELLHOPS

Okay, I'm almost finished here for now, but before I go, I want you to watch something, if you haven't already seen it. It's a series of videos from the opening ceremonies of the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror from Walt Disney Studios Paris. Yeah I know, sounds as interesting as watching paint dry, but trust me. Watch these in order to get the full effect.

Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=127xXooSon4

And this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5tMzQIi848

And also this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5RlBWAqn00

How about THAT? If I had been there, I could truly say that that would have been the COOLEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. Honestly, I didn't even know that kind of effect was possible. It takes the technology developed for "Fantasmic" and pushes it to the next generation, and HOW. My favorite bit is when the Hotel seems to go all soft and melty...and when the hand reaches up and tears off the wrapping paper. Simply awesome work. There was more to the opening ceremony, of course, including an extended bit with live actors, but I'll leave that for you to find for yourself. There are like, 20 parts to that video, so good luck...I found the really good parts for you. Wow, if only Disney would do something like that on a regular basis. Fat chance, I know...but I have high hopes for that umpty-million dollar "Wonderful World of Color" show at D.C.A. If this is an example of what they're going to be doing there, it will truly be a mind-boggler.

Now before I go, if you could be so kind as to watch one more thing, please. It's short, I promise.

Look here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvXRqgaFUM4

Disney hung bead curtains in front of the doorways to the various shops in the park's Studio One area (it's like the main street at Disney MGM...I mean DHS...only enclosed inside a building.) and projected this seriously ominous video onto them. IMO this is a seriously kick-ass effect...and it's just a throwaway. Imagine what Universal could do with projection technology like this at Halloween Horror Nights...and not a giant ball in sight. Just goes to show what Disney can REALLY do if they decide to flex their giant pocketbooks enough. Total coolness.

And that's all for now, time for me to crawl back into the dark from whence I came...but fear not, for I shall return with more nuggets of wisdom upon which your brain can...um...gnaw. Wow, way to destroy a perfectly good analogy, huh? Later, pudknockers!